A Year of Pain and Suffering

The new year is upon us and it seems impossible that it has already been a whole year since I wrote this post, bidding farewell to a rocky 2012 and eagerly anticipating a new start.  Oh, if I had only known.

2013 has been even more difficult and unfortunately, ushering in a new year does nothing to change the circumstances.  If you have followed my blog throughout this year, you know very well of the suffering our family has endured since my 56 year-old father-in-law received a stage 4, inoperable cancer diagnosis in May.  That journey has continued down a road that we hoped and prayed would not come but one that was staring us in the face the whole time.  After much prayer, he has chosen not to continue treatment.  And so, here we are, savoring the gift of time with him, hearts crying out for more time and for a miracle, while at the same time, thanking God for all that He has done through this process.  It has not been without eternal fruit.  And we continue to stand on the truth that nothing is impossible for God and fervently ask for a miraculous healing until he is healed here or in heaven.

That should be enough suffering for a year.  But I have not yet shared on my blog the added pain to our 2013.  In October, my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer as well....the same kind of cancer as my father-in-law.  Stage 2 instead of stage 4 and thankfully confined to the stomach.  But still cancer.  Still chemo.  Still intense surgery.  Still suffering.  

Those together should be enough suffering for a year.  But at the same time, we watch a good friend's marriage crumble, hearts breaking for how this even happened and feeling so burdened by the pain of it all.  And at the same time, my husband's company struggles and we are forced to trust like in the early days when we trusted for every month's provision.  And at the same time, we gather with family the day after Christmas to remember the life of my Grandmother, who has finally been released from the cruel chains of Alzheimer's after twelve years of suffering. While her death is in some ways a relief, it is still death.  

And so add all of that together and you get a year of pain and suffering, one we wish we could leave behind but one that will carry on into the new year.  With relief not yet in sight, we are left with a choice.  To trust or to question.  To stand firm or to crumble.  To press on or to give up.  

What we choose really depends on where our eyes are fixed.  When my eyes are fixed on this world and what I feel entitled to, I question and crumble and want to give up.  Only when my eyes are fixed on Jesus and His truth can I trust and stand firm and press on.  Because He is our only hope.  He is the only One who remains, who does not fail, who promises life and goodness even in our suffering.  To attempt to understand His ways is a meaningless (and unwise) pursuit.  To trust in His ways leads to life and joy even in our deepest sorrows.   

So I stand on His promises.  There are so many that I cling to daily because they are the only thing that can breathe life into my weary soul.  My husband is reading (and loving) Tim Keller's new book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering.  I hope to read it someday also.  For now, my theology on suffering is this: God is good and faithful no matter our circumstances.  

Right now, my circumstances are painful.  And no matter what season of rest will hopefully come, life will be painful again someday because our world is so broken.  That brokenness is so glaringly obvious... sickness, death, broken relationships, deceit, stress.... none of this is how God created us to live.  But thank you, Jesus, that you stepped into our broken world to destroy sin and death.  The suffering just makes me long even more for the day when there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21).  This is a promise! One day He will make all things new.  Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

My thoughts seem somewhat jumbled and I really have pages more that I could write on all that God has taught me in the past year.  Someday, I hope to process more of those thoughts here.  Until then, I leave you with four things.

First, I encourage you to know Jesus and His promises now so that you will be equipped when the pain and suffering comes.

Second, please pray!  Please pray for my mom and for my father-in-law.  So many requests could be listed....please just pray as the Spirit leads you to pray.

Third, one of my favorite Scriptures.  All of 2 Corinthians 4 is so good but here are two sets of verses that are especially encouraging...

2 Cor. 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair."

2 Cor. 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Finally, here is a song that is on repeat in our house these days.  There are so many songs that have carried me through the heartache and brokenness.  This is just one of the many, but it's a really good one.

Firsts....

I was just looking through my pictures for something else and came across these fun ones from Labor Day.  Our Labor Day weekend at Grandma and Papa's was one of the best we've had....Papa was giving tractor rides and hanging out with us around the fire.  Such a gift. 

These kids had a lot of fun and we documented some big firsts!

Mr. Mister's first target practice with the BB gun. 
He even got a bulls eye by the end of the weekend!
 

Mr. Newton's first fish!!  He set the hook and reeled it in all by himself.  He was so proud! 

 

And because we have to have a picture of our girlie also, here she is blowing her first bubbles.

 

Thanksgiving - 2013

We traveled to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving this year.  Time together with family is always a gift, these days we are just more aware of that.  Despite a stomach bug and the painful reality of cancer, there was much to be thankful for.   The gift of life.  Family drawn closer through heartache.  God's grace that has sustained us through it all and on which we continue to depend daily.

Here are some pictures.  The kids enjoyed the snow and the boys loved trying out the snowboard.
 

 

 

 

Joy!

We love adoption and know so many families in the process of adopting or who have recently adopted, my sister being one.  She is waiting on two or three little ones to join their family someday.  Hopefully someday very soon!  If you're at all familiar with the international adoption process, you know it is a very long and hard road to travel.  I'm sure it seems as if the kids you're waiting on will never really come home.  But they do!  Someday, the process is complete and one of the 163,000,000 orphans in the world joins a forever family.

Just the other day, there was one joyful and emotional reunion at an Iowa aiport as my sweet college roommate finally met the son and daughter she and her husband have been waiting for for years.  Their story is an incredible one, and I only know a portion of it.  But it is a story that only God could write.

As they were in the process of adopting a 4 and 2 year old from Africa, they found out they were pregnant with twins.  And that the twins would likely be born at the same time their kids would come home.  Can you imagine going from zero to four kids?! 

Sure enough, they had beautiful twin girls at the end of August and four weeks later, her husband and his mom left for Africa to bring home their other two children.  They expected to stay 21 days but arrived to find out that this country decided to stop issuing exit letters. So after much waiting and prayer and with some help from a believer in that country who advocated for them, they finally came home FORTY DAYS later, sweet little L and E in tow.

Can you imagine the reunion?  Husband and wife, dad and newborn babies, and a waiting mother meeting her kids for the first time. I so wish I could have been there.  I was thankful that they had a photographer capture the moment.  If you're ready to shed some tears, here is a link to the slide show.  

What a picture of the joy of our Father in heaven as He adopts us as His own through His son, Jesus! The intensity of a mother's love for children she's just met multiplied by a million is the love our Creator has for His children.  And what joy He has in seeing us reconciled to Him through Christ as we receive a new forever identity as His son, His daughter, His beloved.  Death to life, darkness to light, the old has gone, the new has come!

Home Sweet NEW Home

I am excited to finally post these pictures and share an amazing story of love and blessing.

I say it began in May but really God was weaving this story long before that.  Last summer, we moved from a two bedroom condo to a new house that gave our growing family and energy-filled kids more space to run and live life.  After a long and crazy selling and buying process and much prayer, we knew this was the house God had specifically for us.  We loved it.  But it needed a lot of love. It was outdated and had way too much wallpaper.  The walls in the picture below?  Those were beige with gold sponge painting.

 We slowly began cleaning it up throughout the fall and winter....taking down that half wall above, pulling out bushes, trimming trees, painting, tearing down multiple layers of wallpaper.  We received a lot of help along the way.  But there was still so much to do and with three little ones, our margin of time and energy was low.  I often wondered how long we would just stare at walls with half torn down wallpaper.

Fast forward to the spring.  After my father-in-law was diagnosed with stage four cancer in May, we decided to spend the summer with him and our family in Pennsylvania.  House projects seemed insignificant at that point and our priority became packing up for the summer.  So many people helped us get ready to go....watching the kids, running errands, even helping weed, plant and mulch our barren landcaping areas just to add a little life to the yard.

After a whirlwind couple weeks of getting ready, we left.

On the drive to PA, my phone rang.  It was a friend who had offered to paint my dining room while we were gone, since I didn't have time to finish it before we left.  She casually asked what other projects were on our list for the summer...just in case she had some free time, maybe she could work on something.  I told her I would email her the project list I had made before our plans for the summer had changed.  And that was that.

Now, this friend happens to be incredibly gifted in making things look beautiful. I can't explain it...you just have to see how she transforms anything ordinary into something amazing.  She also happens to have an incredible heart to love and serve and an incredible capacity to get things done.   And we happen to have a pretty amazing community of people who love to take care of each other and family who loves us a lot.

So as we lived life a few hundred miles away, our house became a work zone.  For eight weeks, people were in and out of our house....stripping wallpaper, painting, repairing, remodeling, decorating, mowing, trimming, cleaning, organizing...etc. Everyone who helped was sworn to secrecy so we had no idea all that was being done.

Imagine coming home after eight weeks away...emotionally spent, spiritually poured out...hearts torn between wanting to stay with hurting family and wanting to be home.  Knowing that whatever condition a house is in, it is still home...still comfortable, familiar and refreshing.

And then imagine walking in your front door and not seeing half torn down wallpaper or the hole in the floor or the half finished bathroom or holes in the screens or boring beige paint or unfinished trim around the doors or overgrown bushes or spots on the carpet or the dust and dirt that would naturally accumulate when left untouched for eight weeks.

Imagine, instead, seeing freshly painted walls, a brand new bathroom, painted trim and doors, amazing decorating, a beautiful tile solution to that hole that would have stayed in the floor for years, new screens in the windows, clean carpets, clean windows, fresh flowers and scripture throughout the house, an organized pantry, a stocked refrigerator, frozen meals in the freezer, fresh fruit on the counter, and dinner hot and ready in the crockpot.

Any one of these projects, or even just a clean house, would have been a huge blessing to come home to.  But it was all done.  Years worth of projects done in eight weeks.

 I don't really have the words to describe what we felt when we walked in the door, except that I cried. A lot. And felt loved.  So overwhelmingly loved.  It's unreal.  Because this doesn't happen.  Friends don't do this.  Even really good friends.

Except that this does happen. And friends do this.  And family.  And some people we didn't know that well.  And some people that we have never even met.  Not because they have nothing better to do with their time.  These people have jobs and houses and kids.  In fact, the friend who organized this whole thing has four kids.  And the friend who redid our bathroom has a new house that needs more work than ours.  And people came from not just down the street but from across town and even from out of town.

Why?  That's what our neighbors, who watched people go in and out of our house all summer, wanted to know.  Who does this?

People who love Jesus and as a result, love the people around them.  They may tell you that they wanted to bless us because we sacrificed our summer.  But all of what went on this summer... us moving, them serving us...it's all part of a much bigger story going on.  It's the gospel in action....a reflection of God's love for his people even when we don't deserve it.  A picture of how God is making everything new.  How, through Christ, He breathes life into dead places and restores what has been broken.  It is a picture of love and sacrifice and undeserved blessing.

And in the end, this is just a house.  It is an  incredible blessing and the gift of a new home has, in many ways, refreshed our family.  But I know that the newness will fade.  Things will be broken.  Dirt will stain (and already has).  My hope and comfort cannot be in a house because a house, no matter how beautiful, cannot fulfill.  But what happened this summer points to Jesus and Jesus does fulfill.  He doesn't fail or fade.  He is where life is found.  His love for us is so real and His glory is so great.  Everything good is from Him.  I am thankful for this truth.  And I am so thankful to live life with a community of believers who know this truth and daily live it out.  Our lives and our relationships are not perfect and are often messy, but our pursuit of Jesus is what unites ordinary people on mission together to bring heaven to earth.

Here are some pictures of what we came home to!  You cannot fully appreciate the newness if you didn't see the house before.  But hopefully it gives you a glimpse of the amazing work they did.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Late Night Wisdom

Last night, we had a 2am visit from Mr. Newton.  He climbed in bed with us, which doesn't happen often so when it does we let him stay for a while.  As he settled in, he said, "Jesus wants us to love our enemies."  

Not quite what I was expecting at 2am but I loved it!  We have been talking a lot about how to love people that are mean to us after a difficult time playing with a neighbor the other day.  Sometimes I think that what I say goes in one ear and out the other, but that was evidence that they really are listening!

Six and Kindergarten!

Happy 6th Birthday, Mr. Mister (a few days late!)

On the morning of your birthday, we looked at pictures of you when you were born.  You were so tiny and cute.  Here you are throughout the years ...
 

Newborn

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

You are such a big boy now and fully boy in everything you do.
Intense. Creative. Confident. Adventurous.
I love watching you grow in every way. Your mind is always thinking.  You ask a lot of questions, some of which I don't even know how to answer.  You are figuring out the world and learning how to trust even when life doesn't go your way.  You are a rough and tough warrior with a loving and compassionate heart....a beautiful combination .  Someday, you will change the world because you don't take no for an answer.  Right now, that can be hard on this mama.  But that's why I pray a lot and daily remind myself to see far beyond today. You are a gift and a blessing and I am proud of the boy you are becoming.

*******************

Your birthday was also your first day of kindergarten!

 

We all walked with you as you scootered down to the bus stop.
 

You joined the group of neighbor kids so confidently. 

You came back for some quick hugs as the bus pulled into sight.

Then ran off without looking back.

You sat by the window in the first row.  As the bus pulled away, you smiled and waved out the window and that's when the tears started.  Mine, not yours.  Just like that you are grown up.  The days are certainly long but the years sure are short.  Thankfully, you were home by lunchtime :)

I love you, Mr. Mister. 

Cool Shirts for a Good Cause!

Our friend's sister is in the process of adopting a little sister for the sweet girl she just brought home from India a few months ago.  Check out these shirts she created and is selling as a fundraiser.  She has already raised over $3,000 from this and it ends Monday, Aug 26th at midnight so check it out soon!

She is also a photographer on the side and is taking family pictures as another fundraiser.  She just took our family pics on Friday night...I can't wait to see them!

Check out her blog here to see her story!

Going Home...

Tomorrow we go home.  We've been gone nearly eight weeks.  It is definitely bittersweet...a happy-sad day, as they used to say in the Cabbage Patch Kids book my mom read to me when I was little.  I know it will be good to be home and I am excited to see people we haven't seen all summer. We love and have missed our family and community there.  And I can't wait to see our house...some pretty amazing people took it on as a big project this summer and we have no idea everything they have done except that it will be an incredibly beautiful blessing.  So there is much to look forward to.

But we are sad to leave as well.  It's hard to leave the day to day life of being in this journey with our family here.  It's been a summer of love and growth for everyone and our relationships here have deepened tremendously.  It has been such a gift for my husband to spend his days with his dad and for us to live daily life with my sister-in-law and her family.  We really love them and have so enjoyed the time we have had with them.  Can you believe that after eight weeks of living together, we are all sad that the summer is over?

So we head home knowing that this transition is just as much a part of our journey as coming here was.  We trust that the Lord goes before us and is with us and is our rear guard as we go home just as He was when we left.  We pray that the spiritual growth that took place in us this summer...the depth of our relationships with Jesus that I believe can only happen in desert seasons of life...we pray that that would remain even as we settle back in again.  We know He will continue to work even after we leave and we continue to trust as we anticipate what is to come.

This Summer

I have struggled with how much to publicly share on my blog about this summer and all that is happening.  There has been so much to process and I'm not sure that my blog is the right place to do that when it comes to such personal family matters.  But it is a huge part of our lives right now and I do want to document some thoughts and remember what God is doing in the midst of the heartache.

For the kids, this summer has been an adventure.  A chance to live with their aunt and uncle and cousin who they normally see on brief visits.  A chance to visit new parks and pools and museums and to meet new friends.  And for me, when I remove myself from the reality of my father-in-law's cancer, those aspects of this summer have been fun as well.  This town we have lived in for the last six and a half weeks is a charming small town where the other day we walked down cobblestone, tree lined streets, from the pharmacy to the library to the park to the bakery.  We live a five minute drive from Grandma and Papa's cabin on the lake instead of five hours.  And we live daily life alongside family that we love so much but don't see nearly enough under normal circumstances.

But all of that is only part of the picture.  Behind the fun of this summer is the pain of walking alongside parents far too young to be in a battle such as this.  Their house that sits on a lake and 11 acres of beautiful land is still a magical place for our kids, who don't fully understand the circumstances.  But for me, the magic is gone.  The pain is real.  I want to scream in the face of this new reality and tell it to leave...to bring back the peaceful time where our visits were filled with tractor rides and boat rides and campfires and adventure packed days with Grandma and Papa instead of doctors appointments and scans and tests and news no one wants to hear.  Some days, I still can't believe this is real.

But it is real.  And so, like no other season of my life, I have chosen to cling to what I know is more real than my circumstances - my sovereign King, Jesus, whose promises have become more true to me now because they are all I have to hope in.  He is my hope...the One who is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).  He doesn't leave, He doesn't fail, He is not surprised by any of this. So no matter the circumstances, I trust Him.  Even when I don't want to and when I don't understand and when my heart screams out why.  I cling to the truth that He has overcome sin, He has overcome death and He has overcome this world.

In this season of life, I have also experienced a new level of being daily sustained by Him.  Not only in the pain of my father-in-law's sickness, but also in being away from home for what will be a total of eight weeks by the time we leave.  I have said many times this summer that logically, this should be much harder than it has been.  The five of us invading the quiet life of my husband's sister and her husband and daughter, who have so graciously allowed us to live with them in all of our noise and choas...living away from my family and our amazing community and the comfort of our home....all of this should be hard. But really, it hasn't been.  There have been one or two hard days, but God has so incredibly lead and protected this time and He has sustained me in ways I couldn't experience in my normal life at home.  And because I have been forced to depend on Him in huge ways, I have begun to invite Him into the tiniest, most seemingly insignificant areas and have experienced the peace of His presence there too.  For that, I am thankful.

So do I want to change my father-in-law's circumstances?  Yes.  But I trust so fully that God is weaving a beautiful story even if it's so hard to make sense of that now.  I am going home a different person, having been refined and refreshed in the desert.  I know this story is not over yet.  Our Storyweaver is never done working, always weaving and creating and orchestrating far more than we know.  I know there are harder days and more pain to come, but that is true of everyone's lives because the reality is that we live in a very broken world.  I am thankful, however, that the end of the bigger story going on is not eternal pain and heartache, but redemption and a world made new again.  Thank you, Jesus.

Summer Fun

Despite the hard circumstances we face this summer, we have managed to have some fun, too.
The kids and I have done lots of swimming and playing and have even met some new friends along the way.  And they've had more time with Daddy than usual so that's been good for everyone.

Here are a bunch of random iphone pics of our summer fun.