The new year is upon us and it seems impossible that it has already been a whole year since I wrote
this post, bidding farewell to a rocky 2012 and eagerly anticipating a new start. Oh, if I had only known.
2013 has been even more difficult and unfortunately, ushering in a new year does nothing to change the circumstances. If you have followed my blog throughout this year, you know very well of the suffering our family has endured since my 56 year-old father-in-law received a stage 4, inoperable cancer diagnosis in May. That journey has continued down a road that we hoped and prayed would not come but one that was staring us in the face the whole time. After much prayer, he has chosen not to continue treatment. And so, here we are, savoring the gift of time with him, hearts crying out for more time and for a miracle, while at the same time, thanking God for all that He has done through this process. It has not been without eternal fruit. And we continue to stand on the truth that nothing is impossible for God and fervently ask for a miraculous healing until he is healed here or in heaven.
That should be enough suffering for a year. But I have not yet shared on my blog the added pain to our 2013. In October, my mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer as well....the same kind of cancer as my father-in-law. Stage 2 instead of stage 4 and thankfully confined to the stomach. But still cancer. Still chemo. Still intense surgery. Still suffering.
Those together should be enough suffering for a year. But at the same time, we watch a good friend's marriage crumble, hearts breaking for how this even happened and feeling so burdened by the pain of it all. And at the same time, my husband's company struggles and we are forced to trust like in the early days when we trusted for every month's provision. And at the same time, we gather with family the day after Christmas to remember the life of my Grandmother, who has finally been released from the cruel chains of Alzheimer's after twelve years of suffering. While her death is in some ways a relief, it is still death.
And so add all of that together and you get a year of pain and suffering, one we wish we could leave behind but one that will carry on into the new year. With relief not yet in sight, we are left with a choice. To trust or to question. To stand firm or to crumble. To press on or to give up.
What we choose really depends on where our eyes are fixed. When my eyes are fixed on this world and what I feel entitled to, I question and crumble and want to give up. Only when my eyes are fixed on Jesus and His truth can I trust and stand firm and press on. Because He is our only hope. He is the only One who remains, who does not fail, who promises life and goodness even in our suffering. To attempt to understand His ways is a meaningless (and unwise) pursuit. To trust in His ways leads to life and joy even in our deepest sorrows.
So I stand on His promises. There are so many that I cling to daily because they are the only thing that can breathe life into my weary soul. My husband is reading (and loving) Tim Keller's new book
Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. I hope to read it someday also. For now, my theology on suffering is this: God is good and faithful no matter our circumstances.
Right now, my circumstances are painful. And no matter what season of rest will hopefully come, life will be painful again someday because our world is so broken. That brokenness is so glaringly obvious... sickness, death, broken relationships, deceit, stress.... none of this is how God created us to live. But thank you, Jesus, that you stepped into our broken world to destroy sin and death. The suffering just makes me long even more for the day when there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21). This is a promise! One day He will make all things new. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
My thoughts seem somewhat jumbled and I really have pages more that I could write on all that God has taught me in the past year. Someday, I hope to process more of those thoughts here. Until then, I leave you with four things.
First, I encourage you to know Jesus and His promises now so that you will be equipped when the pain and suffering comes.
Second, please pray! Please pray for my mom and for my father-in-law. So many requests could be listed....please just pray as the Spirit leads you to pray.
Third, one of my favorite Scriptures. All of 2 Corinthians 4 is so good but here are two sets of verses that are especially encouraging...
2 Cor. 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair."
2 Cor. 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Finally, here is a song that is on repeat in our house these days. There are so many songs that have carried me through the heartache and brokenness. This is just one of the many, but it's a really good one.
